the female condition

My daughter is driving this morning, so I thought I’d write. I’ve had a tough time lately. Sigh…understated.

I need to cry, but I never have the opportunity to. Except once a couple of days ago. The school let go the girl’s head basketball coach. She bonded the team like I’ve never seen and made them family. She is an amazing woman. So in a planning session (she’s in my department), I asked her if I could speak with her for a moment. “Somewhere else?” She half smiled…maybe disguised as a “Can I?” Knowingly, anyway. “Yes,” I said as we quickly packed up.

We went to my room, and I started sobbing. I told her how angry I was, how much she meant me and my daughter and the team as a whole. That they were going to the board to protest. She knew and told them not to. She’s moving to another town for a different job. We are all at a loss, in shock…as is she. Politics are brutal in education. Especially when a new regime takes hold. We hugged, she left, and I sat in my room alone with the door locked and cried uncontrollably for less than 10 minutes, giving me a couple minutes to collect myself in time for class. I was letting out every emotion I’d bottled up for a couple years, emotions I’ve never spoken of. And not much is released in ten minutes. My cup is still full.

I cried for her leaving, but more so for everything else. She was the catalyst. 

Even when I’m alone, I’m not alone. It’s the threat of anyone walking into my space of solitude at any given moment that keeps me from letting it out. But that’s the life of a wife and mom.

Crying now and then isn’t a big deal. Sobbing, well, yeah, that’s uncomfortable for everyone and bewildering to everyone but me.

I think I’ll take a long drive today. Make something up and claim some time for emotional outpour. I once saw a woman sob in her car at a stoplight. It brought me comfort that she found that moment. We’re not alone, she and I. It’s normal for females to cry in cars. Cars are safe zones. Windows to the world and all. No one knows us, no one can disturb us, and when we drive off, no one will see us again. The world is simply too big.

Me finding you and vice versa was either a miracle or fate. I’ll take both.

Anyway, a little insight to the secrets of female life is a good thing.

Let her have complete space now and then. She needs it.

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Author: uncaged

When Picasso painted a blue Seated Woman in a Chair, he was unconsciously thinking of me.

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