I’ve fallen into a pit of kryptonite it seems.
That’s okay. My grammar is suffering, though. I write a lot on my phone and ignore autocorrect most of the time. Or I don’t wear my glasses and I see what I think is right but isn’t. I haven’t worried too much about the errors, which is weird for me, but I suppose the reason I’m even bringing it up means I worry a little. Whatever. I’m a broken record. I’m pretty sure I’ve written that before.
My depression is returning, but the cycles aren’t as fast as they have been the last few months. Situations improved immensely when I moved. I hadn’t unpacked boxes for a decade because there was no point. We were inevitably moving every couple of years. When I unpacked this summer, I found all the stuff my kids had in their rooms or made when they were little. That powerfully sucked me through a time tunnel. I think I’d been holding onto the past in the back of my mind, tucking those memories away in boxes in my head. Filtering through that stuff this summer emptied those mental boxes and relieved a great burden. I was free from the past. Not that the past was bad, but I had a hard time grasping onto the present. I was all sorts of fucked up. Still am a little, but I’m getting better. I can’t express enough how wonderful it is to finally have a home. A real home. A place to dig roots. I’ll be in this new home indefinitely, and that’s foreign to me. I’ve needed stability. I think returning to my youth through Google maps the other night was an extension of my relief. I really do miss home, but I have the chance now to start a new life. I’ve been on hold for too long.
My only constants have been God and family, but that’s what ultimately matters. I didn’t realize the magnitude of their impact until my oldest graduated college and became a full-fledged adult. Geez. She’s 22. She’s a woman. She’s what she has always been but more. She’s the best part of her parents and insanely perfect. My younger one is just like me but funnier and happier. She’s my best friend. She’s sunshine. But they are both tough as nails.
Anyway, I’m living in the world. I’ve always sort of been in my head, and it feels good to be alive. I haven’t felt alive like this since college. I got sick a year after graduation when I had my first kid, and my life took a drastic turn mentally and emotionally. I guess that’s why I haven’t been able to develop over the years. I’m just now moving into my 2nd quarter of life on the inside, but I’m quickly moving into my 3rd in reality (if I’m not there already). And boy, it’s a relief to feel human.
I’ve been steering away from negativity because I don’t have room for it in my life. I read about and watch all the horrible things going on, and it weighs on me. I can’t live like that. I’m like one of those animal characters in Richard Scarry’s Busytown. I do what I can to contribute. The cynic is quiet, and the optimist is working to bring light into the world. I have a class of seniors who could give a damn about life and their roles in it. They expect to graduate because they are seniors. They don’t respond to the typical educational approach of “how does this relate to my life.” Their level of apathy is beyond the plans they have for the future. So I laid into them. Gave them a speech about how they have no clue how powerful they are. I can’t remember what I said, but I got their attention, which is nearly impossible to get. I had all eyes on me in silence.
Maybe that did something. I don’t know. I probably never will know, and that’s okay.
I think I told you the same thing. I meant it. We all have the power to do great things. Some people waste their shares. Some abuse them. Some steal power from others. My lot, my need, is to make sure people understand their importance, to make sure they know they can make the world better. This need burns me on the inside. I would knock the whole world into shape if I could. But I have only a few hundred people with a little ember of me in them. A little of my fire.
You know, I got to thinking about something. But I’ll write about it later. I have to organize my thoughts on the subject.